It seems common knowledge that people who want to become sport psychologists, or psychologists in general even, want to do so because of some personal experience. Well as irritating as it is to say, it's definitely true in my instance.
I started my sport journey as an 11 year-old who was forced into going to synchronised swimming lessons every Sunday so my mum could get her shopping done whilst my sister had gymnastics practice. I soon began to enjoy myself and made my way through the skill levels, competing locally in duet and team competitions where we mainly swam to 'Here Come The Girls' or that year's music from the John Lewis Christmas advert. At 13 I was scouted by Bristol Central and moved there to continue my progression into competitive sport. Training was more intense, more professional and the routines were far more complex but I loved it. I met great friends, experienced and knowledgeable coaches and swam to much more sophisticated music. By 15 I was in the competitive senior team at Bristol, I was living a dream - eating, sleeping and breathing synchro. As we spent so many hours together, sweating, crying and laughing, my teammates were like my family and I cherished every single one of them. We trained hard and swam well in competition, soon becoming 'the team to beat', it felt incredible. But the love and respect for my coach and teammates came at a price, I couldn't possibly let any of these people down. The anxiety built over time - from being nervous about being late to training, to beating myself up if I got a figure wrong in a swim of the routine, and I slowly felt myself unravelling because of it. Anxiety leaked into my everyday life and I became worried about most everyday things, it made me feel sick, panicky and that's when the panic attacks started.
Let's just get something straight, panic attacks are horrible things. Panic attacks make you feel as if you are losing your mind. For me, my heart would race, I would sweat, not be able to breathe or think and I just could not for the life of me calm myself down. I had panic attacks at home after watching movies, at swimming training especially when it was intense or close to a competition and I most certainly had attacks on competition day. My coach knew I was struggling and tried to ensure that I knew I didn't need to be perfect every time, but once that seed had been sown it was difficult to stop thinking that you're letting everyone down.
For me, the anxiety and panic attacks got the better of me and I found myself winding down from competitive sport at the ripe old age of 18 (albeit with a couple of national golds and a British championship title under my belt). Once finished, the anxiety stayed with me and I carried it through my undergraduate degree - tackling unannounced panic attacks on nights at the pub or days trapped in my room riddled with anxiety (thank you to my flatmates for sticking with me!).
Now of course I sought help throughout this - I had doctors appointments, conversations about medication, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy sessions, hypnotherapy sessions and A LOT of support at university with assessments, organising myself and revising. Each therapeutic method had its merits and perhaps it was a combination of them all over the years that has helped me adapt and manage my anxiety and panic moments. But I do know for certain that my experiences of performance anxiety have influenced my desire to help other's with their high pressure performance situations.
Here I am now, studying for my MSc in Sport and Exercise Psychology at Loughborough University. So far, every second has been more enjoyable than the last and I am excited to see where this might take me next.
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